"I gotta tell you folks what a relief it is to finally be able to get my side of the story told. My great-great-great-great...great grandfather was not a murder. I mean he only really impaled like three people. Can you blame the guy? He was living in Central Europe in the middle ages. I would have always worried about peasants coming to my castle to try to kill me. I mean, I'm sure any impalings were out of self defense. Now about the blood drinking. That never happened. Everybody knows that drinking the blood of your victims makes you vomit. I mean really, anybody knows that."

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